Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

~ James Thurber

A very elderly gentleman, remarkably well dressed in a great looking suit with a boutonnière in his lapel, hair handsomely groomed, slightly scented with a good after shave, and presenting a striking physique, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is a lady also up in years.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, then turns to her.”  So tell me,” he says, “do I come here often?”

~ Barry Clark, Fredericksburg, Virginia, []

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t.

~ Brent Gschwend, Orem, Utah []

A man was touring a nursing home with the head administrator, when he asked a question: “What criteria do you use to determine when a person has lost his faculties enough to require institutionalization?”
“Well, we have a simple test,” said the administrator. “We put them in a room with a bathtub full of water, give them a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket, and tell them to empty the tub.”
“I see,” said the man, “a rational person would use the bucket, so that the job would get done quicker.”
“No,” said the administrator, “a rational person would pull the plug. Would you prefer a bed near the wall or near the window?”

~ Steve Davis, North Ogden, Utah []

No Matter the Price
No Matter How New
The Best Safety Device
In the Car Is You

~ Burma Shave []

“Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn”

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well.  Just get up and dance.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.  That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.  (This is very important.  Pay attention.  It never fails.)
Your friends love you anyway.
Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

~ Dave Barry []

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