Dear Rabbi Saulson,
Recently I’ve noticed that my parents’ house has become overrun with clutter. While I don’t expect my parents’ home to necessarily “sparkle” the way it may have when my mom was younger, what I am witnessing instead is indeed upsetting: stacks of newspapers line the den, piles of mail clutter up the kitchen counter, dust overtakes the tabletops and picture frames, and beds remain unmade with clothes strewn about. Frankly, I’m alarmed. Are my parents simply slowing down or mellowing out in their old age, or do we have a larger problem here?
–Alarmed in Albany
Dear Alarmed,
I’m glad that you’ve taken the time to write, and I suspect that what you’re describing did not occur overnight, but developed over time in the past several months. You have every reason to be concerned, but not necessarily alarmed at this point, at least not until we know more about the day-to-day coping and reasoning abilities of your mom and dad.
Here’s what I suggest: Take a weekend or a few days off of work and attack this problem, with your parents’ blessing. Tell them you don’t want to step on their toes, but that you’d like to help them get their house back to its pristine condition. No one likes to live in clutter or chaos. It’s not a comforting way to live. It’s likely that your mom and dad are slowing down and that the housekeeping simply got out of control, and they will need help corralling the situation. Ask yourself: Did one of them suffer a medical setback or the loss of a friend recently? Such a situation could have upset your mom’s cleaning abilities or even her coping skills. Perhaps cleaning the house fell by the wayside and before she knew it, the clutter became chaos. Or maybe one or both of your parents are suffering some mild depression or a simple cold or flu and housework chores became too burdensome? I don’t mean to alarm you, but it is also possible that your parents are aging to the point where they are simply unable to care for their home any longer. We don’t yet know. But after you clean the house (or pay to bring in an organizer and/or a professional cleaning service or team) we will soon have our answer, when you see what happens next: Will the household remain stable or will the clutter return again? If it returns again, it’s time to think about the next step in your parents’ care. (Note: This does not automatically mean moving to a facility. Every case is different. It does mean, however, getting the proper help for your folks.)
No matter what, this would be a good time to offer some permanent assistance to your aging parents. Once the house is cleaned up, offer mom and dad a routine housekeeping service, if only one time a month at minimum. They are aging and clearly are not keeping up with things the way they once were. They need the extra help.
Please keep me posted on how they do in the future. I am here for you to help you through the next phase of this situation.
All my best,
Scott
[Rabbi Scott Saulson, Ph.D]
